I have been to three New Kids on the Block concerts in the last 7 years, and I can barely sing one of their songs. No, I’m not a “Blockhead”, but I am always drawn in to their massive experience by their touring partners. In 2008 they did an epic man band performance with Backstreet Boys, and then a few years ago partnered with 98• and Boyz II Men. Both times were awesome, and made me realize that I love old bands revamping themselves. By the way, the ugly guy in 98• is still ugly.
So when I heard on the radio that Old Men on the Porch were touring with TLC AND NELLY I was like hell to the yes I’m going, even if it means sitting through another rendition of Hanging Tough. What you have to understand is I live for pop music. I really don’t know if anyone loves pop music more than me. If I can’t sing along to it with a white-girl bop, it’s not music. And if I know at least one song, I’m there. Plus the tickets were only $30, so what did I have to lose?
Nelly was the opening act, and started promptly at 7 with his smash hit Air Force Ones. He then proceeded to sing every…single…song he’s ever recorded or been featured on, including Cruise by Florida Georgia Line. Personally the highlight for me was when he sang my favorite Nelly song ever Grillz, and I got to sing “I might be grilled out nicely (oh) in my white tee (uh) on south beach” along with him. I later found out that Nelly has a show on BET. So now I know what I’m doing for the rest of the summer.
Immediately after Nelly disappeared into the stage singing “I don’t give a f***, I don’t give a f*** about CHUUU”, TLC came out. I LoOoOoOvEeEE Chilli. I was scared of T-Boz and Left Eye because they were so mature and angry, but Chilli was the cute one who got to date Usher, even if he did cheat on her and had to confess. I styled myself in her image for the show. She had the original top half pony, yasssss queeeen! T-Boz did her sultry voice thing, Chilli grinded up on an audience member (who, judging by the demographic was probably a gay man, and looked super uncomfortable when she made him almost grab her boob) and everyone went cray when they sang No Scrubs. SO GOOD! Ugh, does everyone else remember that Making the Video?!?! I ended up getting this coozie that easily helps you identify whether yous a scrub or not.They did an emotional tribute to Left-Eye (who I still think is a bad ass for burning down Andre Rison’s house and IDGAF) and sang Don’t Go Chasing Waterfalls to the light of a thousand cellphones. Oh, and Chilli and I DeFiNiTeLy had the same ‘do.So then. The Main Event. No really, that’s what the tour was called and NKOTB fancied themselves the main event. There was some video intro of Donny Wahlberg dressed as a cop chasing Method Man on a roof, and then Michael Buffer told us all to get ready to rumble as the “New Kids” came out (very slowly) in wrestling robes. Like I said, I don’t really know any of their songs (even though this is the THIRD TIME I’ve seen them), and Donny Wahlberg kept saying “I can’t fucking hear you!! You motherfuckers!!!” I wonder if he’s going deaf, or maybe he’s just excited that he’s at an age where he can use profanity without consequence. He also pointed out quite frequently that we were in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, as opposed to Philadelphia, Mississippi (which does exist, BTW).
They did a lot of coordinated dancing on blocks that went up and down, and now I’m wondering if that was purposeful– like the new kids ON the actual blocks? They also really enjoyed pointing out what song was from what year. Then they all went down under the stage and treated us to a “Live Changing Cam” where they held up random Philly sports jerseys and took 20 minutes to get undressed, as a large black man lingered near the exit presumably a spotter.
When they emerged, Joey McIntyre looked confused: Jordan Knight has definitely had some work done: and Donny Wahlberg looked old AF:Ok, and WHO ARE THE TWO OTHER GUYS? They didn’t acknowledge them at all, except when they let Rico Suave do some breakdancing before Joey McIntyre and Jordan Knight did subsequent performances in white flowing shirts with wind machines.Donny Wahlberg pulled some 7 year old girls on stage (who looked absolutely terrified) and sang “Cover Girl” at them, as they wondered why the hell their parents took them to a New Kids on the Block concert in the first place. Also, what’s with the testicle like disco balls that dropped at this moment?!? I’m not sure exactly how it ended, but they sang Hangin Tough and Joey McIntyre did this: Oh, and apparently Nelly might have been arrested directly after the concert. Totally worth the $30.